The Endless Possibilities of the Present

The pile beneath our little Dr. Suessian Christmas tree is growing each day.

Today, another festively wrapped package appeared under the tree with a tiny little tag addressed to me.  The sight of it brought a surge of excitement and a smile to my face.  In an instant, I realized (well, admitted) that I love presents at Christmastime.  Hear me out – I’m not entirely missing the point of Christmas with my present obsession.  My grandmother used to tell us stories of how she’d unwrap the gifts from her husband while he was at work to make sure she liked them.  If something didn’t suit her taste, she’d casually drop hints over the next few days to ensure he returned the unwanted gift.

Despite this mischievous influence, I grew out of the need to pick up, shake and rattle my presents in the hopes of determining the contents before Christmas morning.  Now, I find great pleasure in just looking at them.  I look.  I gaze.  I wonder.

This really is a rare event for me.  It marks the only time in my life that I don’t try to guess the ending.  I spend so much time trying to crack the code or control the outcome that I often miss the beauty of this moment – of the present.  And, as most of us know, this moment is all there is.

Yet, when I sit before the Christmas tree, gazing at the presents, I sit in a state of wonder.  Each present, with its colorful wrapping and sparkling bows, represents infinite possibility.  Until the moment the paper is torn off the package and the true contents revealed I am able to imagine that it contains absolutely anything in the world.  But I can’t plan, prepare or do anything about it.  I can only wait and see.  I must surrender to the wonder – and to the endless possibilities that lie ahead.

It is with this state of wonder and surrender that I want to approach every moment.  I’d like my future to be a wrapped present underneath the Christmas tree of my life -- filled with infinite possibility.  Rather than try to guess the outcome and spoil the surprise, I’d like to embrace the state of wonder -- the beauty of not knowing.  I can trust that I will know the contents of the box when the time is right.  And until then, I can surrender and enjoy not knowing.  I can let life surprise me – and practice gratitude for life’s gifts every day.

So, as Christmas approaches and brings with it a season of giving, I’m going to give as much attention as I can to this moment.  To surrender to the moment, grab a cup of coffee and nestle into a state of wonder and possibility.  And trust that focusing on this moment – on the present – will open up a wealth of joy and love today and all days.  I hope you will, too.

Merry Christmas.

My Sunday Crossroad

Sundays are always filled with possibility.  Until my recent jump into freelancing, Sundays were the only days that Mike and I both had off, so they were the days where anything could happen… We could get up early – we could sleep in late.  We could go to brunch or make banana pancakes at home.  We could take a day trip to Los Olivos or enjoy a staycation at home.

That feeling of endless possibility is always with me on Sundays.  I wake up, go to my favorite yoga class of the week, and begin to dream up infinite ways to spend the day.  I imagine bumming around the farmers’ market, collecting armfuls of vibrantly colored local vegetables... reading on a blanket in the backyard, my head on Mike’s stomach as he sleeps… hammering away the day in my workshop, crafting brilliant new necklaces or cake stands… or spending hours in the kitchen, poring over a complex recipe that will inevitably yield a delicious dinner.

Yet, most Sundays, I wind up on the couch with Mike while he watches football.  I may read, do laundry, or clean, but I always end up on the couch, watching TV.  In fact, this is how most of my days go… I wake up dreaming about the many ways I can be productive or the wild adventures I could have and then ultimately choose to stay put in the comfort and safety of my couch.

I wonder why I do this?

My first thought is that I’m afraid.  Of what, I’m not sure.  And yet that answer feels true.  Fear.  It is something I struggle with daily.  I imagine that many people struggle with the same thing, but what concerns me most is that fear closes off my world… and I let it.  I turn down invitations.  I cancel plans.  I choose to spend the minutes, hours and days of my life tucked into the corner of my couch watching Friends reruns. 

And I wait. 

I wait for Mike to come home and entertain me.  I wait for night to come so I can sleep.  I wait for the next day so I can dream up exciting ways to spend my time…

It’s hard for me to write this blog because it’s difficult to admit this about myself.  But I have to write it because I started this blog to chronicle a new chapter of my life – a chapter in which I strive to embrace life and all the beauty that comes with it.  So, the fact that I have used this new chapter and the “One-a-Week” Challenge as an excuse to say “no” to things makes me realize that I need to reevaluate my choices.

If my math is correct, today is Day One of Week Four and I have three “One-a-Weeks” in my possession.  (Last week, I treated Mike and I to dinner and a movie --The Muppets and Thai food – totally worthy-- but I didn’t use my spare One-a-Week from Week One, so now I have three.)  Rather than using this challenge as an opportunity to experience new, free things to do, I’ve used it as an excuse – or worse, as permission - to disconnect.  That is not what I intended, but I’m glad that I recognize it.  This is a very important crossroads for me to come to in my life.

In one direction, fear.  In the other, love.

Choosing the path of fear will lead me to a life of isolation and loneliness.  Choosing the path of love will open up my world and fill it with happiness, experiences and memories.  Love is the answer to all of life’s struggles.  Love is the way, every time.

I spent this weekend in almost complete isolation.  I flaked on a bunch of people who are important to me.  Though I canceled on a very good friend today, I at least spent the morning in my workshop, crafting.  But now the day is almost over, and I can choose how I want to spend what’s left of it… so I choose love and all the adventure that comes with it.

Week Two Whirlwind

Time is flying by, it seems.  

I feel I should write more, but am exhausted, so I’ll give you the Cliff Notes version of the last two weeks…

Week One came and went and I didn’t spend any money.  I was so worried about how I’d spend the money that I hoarded it instead.  Which led me to create the Rollover Rule.  Yes, like a cell phone company, my unspent “One-a-Weeks” can roll over to the next week.  This will allow me to strategically save if I know I have a couple of social events or shopping needs coming up.  I figure with all of the holiday parties in my future, this rule may come in handy.

It’s important that I don’t store up too many of these because I’m spending all of my time worrying about the future – the when and why and how – instead of enjoying the moment, whether I’m spending money or not.

So, Week One of this challenge reminded me that I can stay present, enjoy the moment, and be more discerning about how and when to spend money.

Week Two was the Week of Freebies. 

Monday: ate leftovers and hung out with Mike and friends. (Free)

Tuesday: Mike treated me to dinner. (Free. Oh, and there are definitely perks to being in a relationship.) 

Wednesday: stayed in and caught up on sitcoms. (Free!)

Thursday: Ah, Thursday.  We were going to my friend’s art show and I was super-excited because though Mike bought our tickets, I was going to treat us to dinner and finally use a One-a-Week.  We went out for sushi at our favorite local place but when the bill came, I couldn’t find my debit card anywhere.  I think I was more disappointed at not being able to spend money than I was worried about the whereabouts of my card.  In the end, Mike paid and I enjoyed yet another free night. (Unintentionally Free)

Friday: Friday was my last day at work and I celebrated with Good-Bye Drinks with my co-workers.  Every time I tried to buy a drink, someone insisted they get it for me.  (Free again)

Saturday: The last day of the week and I had two One-a-Weeks in my pocket.  While driving around, running errands for my new part-time actor-boss, I passed Chick-fil-A and, well, I couldn’t resist. 

So, my first One-a-Week was a delicious and a totally worthy experience. Mm.

Now, here we are today… Sunday -- Day One of Week Three -- and I’ve got two One-a-Weeks again.  I’m working on set Monday and Tuesday (yay, I have work!) and will spend the rest of the week with Mike’s family doing Thanksgiving stuff, so who knows if I’ll even have an opportunity to spend money this week.  Maybe I’ll treat myself to a new sweater or pair of shoes.  Or maybe I’ll spend my One-a-Week on someone else.

Whatever I decide, right now, I want to wrap this up and get back to focusing on this moment.  I’m grateful for the work I have this week and trusting that opportunities will continue to open up -- that I will find success in this new chapter.

For now, in this moment, I’m off to see if I can find [free] dessert in the freezer…

Two Weeks Notice

I put in my notice today. 

All morning, I was terrified.  Then, when I got to work, I pulled my Production Manager (the one I trust) aside and told her my plan.  Though she was obviously super sad at the thought of working without me (wink), she managed to keep it together long enough to tell me her proposed plan of attack: she’d tell the other PM and together they’d tell my bosses, the Producers.

Thank god I didn’t have to tell them myself.  The Producers have a tendency to avoid anything emotional, personal or sentimental (though they never shy away from asking me what happened after a doctor’s appointment) so I was not looking forward to any sort of confrontation of that nature.  Thankfully, when they emerged from the office after they were given the news, they avoided eye contact and whisked off down the hall to their next meeting.

Eventually, though, it came up.  As I was packing up to leave, they took turns stopping by my desk in all their awkward glory.  After telling Producer 1 about my new gigs, she said, “That’s great that people like you!”   Groan.

Producer 2 insisted that she wasn’t a Vulcan and could talk to me about my departure.  For a brief moment, she grew serious and said softly, “What matters most is that you’re happy.  So I’m glad you’re going to do something that makes you happy.”

She’s right.  We all knew I wasn’t happy, so it only follows that it’s best for me to move on.   And I think that for all of her awkward, passive aggressive stumbling, Producer 1 knows that, too.

Tonight I met up with Goose to talk about the short films.  I made sure to tell him about my ridiculous One-a-Week Challenge beforehand so he wouldn’t judge me for stocking my purse with bottled water, green tea and pretzels.  He was late, so I was sitting awkwardly at the table, insisting to the snarky waitress that I was meeting someone who would actually order something.  Finally, he stumbled in.  After exchanging pleasantries:

“Can I buy you a beer?”

“Oh, no, thank you.”

“You sure?”

 “Yeah. I don’t want this challenge to become an excuse for me to freeload.”

“All right then.”

When he returned from the bar, he had two beers in his hand.

“I figured because you said no twice that I was allowed to buy one without it counting as cheating.”

Phew.  After all, I wanted to celebrate the end of this chapter.  So, here’s to November 18^th and whatever’s on the other side.

Week One – What Have I Done?

Day One and I’m already panicking. 

I’m afraid the reality of this challenge is that I’ll spend most of my time at home in front of the TV eating Cheerios because that’s what I did last night.  Granted, I pulled my back out and couldn’t really walk, so my options were limited.

But seriously, what did I get myself into?

What if I stop reaching out to friends or start saying no to invitations because I’m not “allowed” to spend any more money that week?  What if I have to decide between two really important things?  For example, I know I want to go to my friend’s art show in a couple of weeks, but I didn’t buy my ticket in advance, so now I have to use it as my “1 thing.”  I want to go, so I’m happy to spend money on that, but what if a birthday party comes up the same week and I need to buy a gift?

Also, does dry cleaning count as a “thing?”

I feel like Sundays are going to become pretty stressful as I look into the week’s social forecast and decide which lucky bidder gets my money and who is demoted to “free friend” for the week.

So, Day 1 of the challenge and I’m weighing my money-spending options for the week.

Tomorrow, I’m supposed to meet up with the friend who hired me to line produce three short films in the New Year to discuss our game plan.  Let’s call him “Goose” because “the friend who hired me to line produce three short films in the New Year” is a mouthful.  I imagine Goose’ll want to grab coffee, so do I bring a bottle of water with me and order nothing?  Or, do I bring my own tea bag and just order hot water? (Which I hope is free – otherwise, I’m stuck drinking tap water with a tea bag in my hand.) And can I make it through the meeting without having to tell Goose about my challenge or without looking like a total cheapskate?  Or, because this is technically a work meeting, does the challenge even apply?

The only other plans I have on the books this week are to catch up with a friend, who happens to be a follower of this blog.  I’m hoping I can convince her to just hang at home and drink a bottle of wine with me so that we don’t have to spend money.  (Lisa, are you listening??)  If that’s the case, then I can use my 1 “thing” on a $3 coffee with Goose.

I’m throwing an Engagement Party for a friend this weekend.  This is going to cost a decent chunk of change, but I’m not sure whether or not this counts toward my “One-a-Week Challenge” because we planned it long before this challenge began.   (Do you love how I’m already negotiating to make this as painless as possible?)

Funny, Engagement Party friend just called to invite me to a craft show that costs $1.

This is where the challenge gets challenging. I can blow my wad, so to speak, on a $1 event on the first day of the week, or I can hold out for something more expensive later in the week.  Or, I can decide which social event can’t be finagled to be free and then spend money on that.

In addition to looking for free things to do, I should be using this challenge to do inexpensive things so that I am saving money in the long run and not spending ridiculous amounts of money each week in concentrated instances.

Okay, fine.  Yes, work meetings count.  But dry cleaning and birthday gifts don’t.  Nor do Christmas gifts or groceries that were in the house before the event.  So, just to be safe, I’ll bring a teabag to coffee with Goose, have Lisa hang with me at home and use my “One-a-Week Challenge” on the engagement party…

And now, I better run to the grocery store to stock up on wine & cheese.

The Mission Statement

My Life, Out of Focus

The History...

Nine years ago, I moved to Los Angeles bursting with ambition, talent and the hope that I would become a successful film director and actress.  I was slightly less passionate about the latter, but still open to the idea of starring in a hit sitcom or becoming a cast member on SNL.  Obviously, the sky was the limit.

As my time in LA unfolded, I loosened my grasp on those dreams and took refuge in the security of a nine-to-five job and a steady paycheck.  I worked at a talent management company, an actor’s production shingle, and a series of small production companies along the way.  I used my limited free time to produce short films, music videos and even a low-budget feature, but I was frustrated that my paying gigs weren’t furthering my career.  I kept looking for that corporate ladder to climb and started to become complacent in the process.  I convinced myself that the problem was with live action in general and left my cushy gig working for an actor and accepted an entry-level job at an animation studio, for $20k less a year.  Though the industry was new to me, the job was well beneath my experience and I melted into boredom and depression yet again.

I had reached a dead end.  And the worst part was that I felt like all I ever reached were dead ends.  I grew restless.  I became resentful.  I got angry.  I felt entitled.  And eventually, I lost hope.

Then, one day, a friend from England sent what she probably thought was a pretty typical email to a bummed out friend.  She challenged me to think about what I would do, if I could do anything -- what I would do if money weren’t an issue.  My answer: produce short films and do voices for cartoons.

Within a week, a director I worked with last year called to see if I would produce a music video for her – for pay.  Then, another friend who works for an A-list actor’s production company called to see if I could line produce (create & maintain the budget for) 3 short films for them. And get paid. 

A New Focus

Suddenly, I knew where I was headed.  I stated my destination and the Universe responded with some gas money.

Her question was a gift.  It was the opportunity to hit the reset button and to articulate my dreams so that I could actually pursue them.  I think at times, we find ourselves pursuing old dreams.  So the opportunity to reevaluate and reset is nothing short of a gift that allows us to journey toward the horizon of our own design.

The Aftermath...

I decided to leave my job in animation and dive into the unchartered world of freelance producing.  I have a job lined up for February and March, but beyond that, the path is unclear.  But I have faith that it will present itself when the time is right.  And that I will be okay.

This new venture is terrifying for a lot of reasons, but primarily because I worry that I won’t be able to pay my bills.  I have a tendency to overspend when I’m worried about money, probably because I don’t want to feel like I “can’t” spend money.  I am defying my own reality and hoping to change it in the process.

I figured, though, that it might be prudent for me to stick to some old-fashioned budgeting in the days and weeks leading up to my departure from Steady-Paycheckland.  To keep it interesting, I’ve decided to give myself a challenge.

The Challenge...

Groceries, gas, toiletries, doctor’s bills and other basic essentials aside, I am only allowed to spend money on 1 “thing” a week.  That means only 1 pair of shoes, 1 movie night, 1 haircut 1 new throw pillow, 1 comedy show, or 1 weekend brunch a week.  I’m not putting a cap on how much I can spend on said “thing” – I think limiting myself to one event, outing or new item a week will be enough of a lifestyle adjustment.

I’ll have to carefully weigh my social options each week and see what I can do for free so that I can save my money for the most-appealing option each week.  It’s so easy to make plans with a friend to grab dinner, drinks, or even coffee.  It’s like we’ve forgotten how to just “hang out.”  I have tons of friends that I want nothing more than to just talk and laugh with and I live in a city full of free things to do, so hopefully I will get to know my city, learn to be creative with my free time and conserve money in the process!

I wanted to record my journey as a means of staying accountable to my goal.  So, if you’re still reading this, thank you for listening and hopefully our virtual paths will cross again on this crazy journey we call life.