Sundays are always filled with possibility. Until my recent jump into freelancing, Sundays were the only days that Mike and I both had off, so they were the days where anything could happen… We could get up early – we could sleep in late. We could go to brunch or make banana pancakes at home. We could take a day trip to Los Olivos or enjoy a staycation at home.
That feeling of endless possibility is always with me on Sundays. I wake up, go to my favorite yoga class of the week, and begin to dream up infinite ways to spend the day. I imagine bumming around the farmers’ market, collecting armfuls of vibrantly colored local vegetables... reading on a blanket in the backyard, my head on Mike’s stomach as he sleeps… hammering away the day in my workshop, crafting brilliant new necklaces or cake stands… or spending hours in the kitchen, poring over a complex recipe that will inevitably yield a delicious dinner.
Yet, most Sundays, I wind up on the couch with Mike while he watches football. I may read, do laundry, or clean, but I always end up on the couch, watching TV. In fact, this is how most of my days go… I wake up dreaming about the many ways I can be productive or the wild adventures I could have and then ultimately choose to stay put in the comfort and safety of my couch.
I wonder why I do this?
My first thought is that I’m afraid. Of what, I’m not sure. And yet that answer feels true. Fear. It is something I struggle with daily. I imagine that many people struggle with the same thing, but what concerns me most is that fear closes off my world… and I let it. I turn down invitations. I cancel plans. I choose to spend the minutes, hours and days of my life tucked into the corner of my couch watching Friends reruns.
And I wait.
I wait for Mike to come home and entertain me. I wait for night to come so I can sleep. I wait for the next day so I can dream up exciting ways to spend my time…
It’s hard for me to write this blog because it’s difficult to admit this about myself. But I have to write it because I started this blog to chronicle a new chapter of my life – a chapter in which I strive to embrace life and all the beauty that comes with it. So, the fact that I have used this new chapter and the “One-a-Week” Challenge as an excuse to say “no” to things makes me realize that I need to reevaluate my choices.
If my math is correct, today is Day One of Week Four and I have three “One-a-Weeks” in my possession. (Last week, I treated Mike and I to dinner and a movie --The Muppets and Thai food – totally worthy-- but I didn’t use my spare One-a-Week from Week One, so now I have three.) Rather than using this challenge as an opportunity to experience new, free things to do, I’ve used it as an excuse – or worse, as permission - to disconnect. That is not what I intended, but I’m glad that I recognize it. This is a very important crossroads for me to come to in my life.
In one direction, fear. In the other, love.
Choosing the path of fear will lead me to a life of isolation and loneliness. Choosing the path of love will open up my world and fill it with happiness, experiences and memories. Love is the answer to all of life’s struggles. Love is the way, every time.
I spent this weekend in almost complete isolation. I flaked on a bunch of people who are important to me. Though I canceled on a very good friend today, I at least spent the morning in my workshop, crafting. But now the day is almost over, and I can choose how I want to spend what’s left of it… so I choose love and all the adventure that comes with it.
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